Keep Calm and Frat On

Dear ASU frat boy who thinks he is God’s gift to Earth, society, ASU, and sorority women everywhere,

“Keep Calm and Frat On”, bro.

What exactly does it mean to “frat on?”, you ask?

Does it mean to wear an American flag polo? Does it mean to drink all of the alcohol in Tempe? Does it mean to get your charter revoked for inconspicuous behavior, i.e. Hazing?

According to the Oxford dictionary a frat boy is, “a young man who behaves in a boisterous or foolish manner considered typical of members of college fraternities.”

Sounds about right given that your every-day boisterous/foolish behavior includes everything that you think is cool, for instance: wearing Sperrys, short shorts, and obnoxious colored polos, OR being late to class with Jimmy Johns, pretending you’re interested in a girl’s hometown in order to “get some,” and or yelling things at women walking down Apache (in the hopes of getting some).

For you “Bill Fratty”, president of Beta Beta Beta, winning a girl over begins with the following Q & A:

“Do you know what would look good on you?

Me.”

These are clearly the words every girl longs to hear.

And there’s the appealing behavior of you at an event. In particular one event the men were asked to show up to practice for a performance. But you showed up 10 minutes late with a Jimmy Johns sandwich saying, “The party don’t start ‘till I walk in,” you pissed off the women and your bros who were already practicing.

OK, I know, boys aren’t reliable, but when you’re the president there’s a lot riding on the character you display to the community and the fraternity.

Where does your fire ignite from Bill? Do you get all your content from Total Frat Move or just inspo? TFM is a website of entertainment that condones the activity of frat boys. For example, one post states, “Proposing a toast in honor of myself. #TFM” If there was a card you could send to yourself saying, “Congratulations on being hot and awesome” you Bill would have already done it. I would also like to point out that TFM is populated by stories related to or about ASU fraternity men. Ah, #1 in innovation, more like #1 in douche lord nation. So Bill, do you have TFM bookmarked, or do you get notifications every time there is a new post?

Bill, you will graduate from college, leave your frat house, and become a, attorney, or a CEO. You will be a husband and a father and Greek life will just be a memory. Thank god.

Bill, this is my final beef: If frat boys were a smidge humble then you might actually be nice guys.

I’ve written this letter about Bill more so than “to” Bill because I know that Bill rarely reads, and he never reads anything of substance. Therefore, this is a public service announcement to all of society dealing with incompetent frat bros.

Loyally,

 

A Sorority Woman

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